I spent one year in a relationship that I thought I was building a loving, safe, mature adult bond.
To my dismay I would find myself thrown away like an old shoe. Actually I do believe now looking back, this mans old shoe most likely got more respect, goodbye and parting of the ways than I was ever allotted!
In that year spent with that human being ( do I have to call them that?) the lack of empathy, compassion, the devoid of anything for me was appalling. I kept asking myself, "How can two people spend everyday together and there be no bonding?" I would be left with no closure only bewilderment. I would spend the next few months in a state of trauma. All the while I was expected to be a divorced women, a mom, go to work, live and function like a normal human being. All the while I was walking around like a wounded warrior. I could see things, hear things, but I couldn't feel anything. What had happened to me?!
No one knew how love sick I was. I couldn't eat, sleep and cried all the time. I lost so much weight at one point I was down to 90lbs. Yes, I'm a petite princess
But my BMI chart stops at 95lbs for my height!
Let me tell you how much I cried. I had a few favorite spots I would go to. In my hometown there's a park with a little stream that I would go and sit at on the stone wall. I would just sit there stare down at the water and listen to the birds
Singing. I could here people and children playing and having fun swimming at the swimming pool and I could hear traffic off in the distance. I wanted to be able to feel something since my mind and body was just numb. I so wanted to be apart of the living again.
I so desperately wanted to have
"Me" back. I should have won a gosh dang Oscar for the performance I put on! I was so damn happy!
When I was at home in New York, my private place to get away from it all was
Battery Park City. Those of us who live in this big magnificent city we all know later in the day especially on a Saturday night the area around the Trade Center sight is almost a ghost town. This quiet solitude area is where I go to watch the sunset and relax along the water. I also go there when I'm home sick. I sit there on a bench and cry. This night as the sunset I cried. I cried for the pain that I was still reviling in from this tragic love. I had spent days, weeks, months telling myself this wasn't a "Normal" relationship.
That summers evening my quest for answers would begin in Greenwich Village.
That night a client/friend of mine would introduce me to one of New York's best clinical psychologist.
We would meet at your typical Village spot, grab a small round table(which most of NYC is made up of, round tables!) as we got introduced, placed our order, I would start to unleash my tale of horror.
I spoke calmly and slowly, I spoke of all my mental, emotional, physical boundary lines that had been attacked and crossed.
I told the therapist, "This was no relationship, this had been a World War II battle. My battle would take place in the Ardennes Forest and I had just survived the Battle of The Bulge and I was suffering from post traumatic stress. I told how I felt I was a body walking with no soul.
That night in Greenwich Village I would FINALLY encounter someone that understood my words, got my plight, saw the cross I was carrying. Heard my pain. I told them of stories how friends would say
Just forgetta bout it. He's not worth it. He would even spew a line that went like this
"You'll get over it, I had to" as the professionals sat there and listened diligently to my better than TV drama tale
Their mouths were to the ground! Yes, my tragic love story would terrify one of the country's best psychologist.(I think my story sits in a textbook now at Columbia & NYU)
As I came to the end of my story I was In need of hard liquor so were they! As I sat there wiping my tears they would take my hand in theirs and say, " First I would like to apologize to you and tell you how sorry I am that such a beautiful, kind women got treated in such a harmful, manipulative way by a disengaging human being. Let me begin by saying, after listening to your story and further analyst of all the facts that you have been spoken of You have severe symptoms of narcissist abuse. You have all the classic symptoms of the compliant/aggressor controlling conflict.
The compliant intimidated and inferior. The aggressor controller feels irritated
About being nagged all the time of their infraction.
A victim while in a helpless state is one has been injured by the exploitation of another. Some victimization is verbal, some is physical, some is sexual. All causes extreme damage to ones character
Structure. Some signs of victimization are:
Depression
Isolation
Inability to trust others
Inability to form close attachments
Poor judgement
Shame
Quilt
Chaotic lifestyle
Sense of meaningless/purposeless
Panic attacks/unexplained terror
Phobias
Suicidal feelings & thoughts
The therapist continued to say, " Healing for you has been difficult from being exposed to the trauma continuing even long after the relationship had ended.
The most primary damaged done to you was your sense of trust was so violated.
The sense of trust has very emotional survival needs. In your twenty some year marriage this was never violated or for the most part, even in your dating career prior to your marriage trust had never been a playing factor in your emotional needs.
Victimization has long-lasting effects
On the lives of adult survivors. This was no game of, "Pick yourself up and go on" who's stupid idea was that?" Ah the narcissist.
Another damaging effect of narcissist abuse is victims feel a sense of "All-bad"
Their UGLEY, wrong, dirty, stupid, shameful, never met their needs, not good enough, losers. No matter how affirming others are of their loveliness and attributes. Many victims are left with low self-esteem,worthiness, evil, drama queens, not good enough etc....
The therapist would end the evening by taking me on as a client. "Now lets help you get your life back. I'm going to teach you how to set up boundaries to help you determine who may touch you and under what circumstances.
Boundaries that we need to give back to you that it's ok to have your own thoughts and opinions.
And most importantly help you deal with your own emotions and know when to
Disengage from harmful, manipulative emotions of others for the rest of your life.
My quest is now to seek out as much education and knowledge on narcissist abuse. NPD. So I can in return pay it forward and help others like me who were sooo violated by a narcissist.
My healing has taken many years and therapy had bleed me dry. But this is normal for someone healing from being so severely abused. My abuse came in many different angles from my narcissist. When my story as it was being told made the psychologist cry I knew I had a tale of terror. I'm also happy to know, I'm not crazy! And no one will ever treat me like this ever again! I came out of a bad marriage only with high hopes to find someone wonderful and I got shoved this!
I now most certainly have boundaries and standards set up for myself. It took me a long time to come forward and talk about this I'm stepping out against narcissist abuse to give it exposure. It's still hidden in the closet like abusive families in the 50's,
60's, 70's, I don't want anyone to ever experience what I went through and only want to bring this to the surface and help others in their recovery.
May God Bless you on your healing.
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