Thursday, February 27, 2014


Sometimes to rest and be silent is a good thing
Don't speak
Rest your mind

The soul searching silence would begin for me in Lower Manhattan
All those late afternoons on that bench
In Battery Park City
World Trade One standing  tall behind me
A symbol of rebirth
Me and that building looking to fulfill the same purpose
Life goes on.....

The many late afternoons I would sit there analyzing my life and taking baby steps on moving forward. As I sat there I would come to realize there was more to life than what I had concluded. There's some kind of plan always at work. 

I would take a look around me and see the whole universe moving around me. 
Sometimes I felt like everyone else was moving and I was just standing there...

In my new life I now pay much closer attention to the world around me. Soo burned out from the toxic people and the life I had left behind. Moving away and forward was the best thing I could had ever done. 

There on that bench along the Hudson River I spent many hours, days, weeks crying it out. Releasing all that toxic pain. 
Asking myself, beating myself up, "how could I had left this happen?!" 

I'm now in control

I pay much closer attention to what shows up around me. Listening for any inclinations I might have to act accordingly on, even if it leads me into unknown territories. 

I urge all of you to do the same. Being enlightened is a wonderful thing. 

As I look back over my life I know I need to stand up and take accountability to what happened to me. Walking away, oh hell!! Running as fast as I could from these narcissist should had been my first priority. Under further examination I know why I didn't. My sweet, naive, innocent heart sees the good in everyone. These were not good people. I always had an easier time removing toxic girlfriends from my life than the toxic men. Now the change up has accord. I now realize some of these old girlfriends weren't so bad and struggling as well with life blows and traumas. 

I now have free will and choose to exert

In my hours of silence on that bench in Lower Manhattan I had time to examine 
Major life turning points and look at all the 
So-called coincidences that arose in my life to seek out changing direction. 

I longed for all the days of my life.
To be free and independent and happy. 
New York City gave me that. I just wish my boys would join me on my journey. 
And life would be perfect. 

I like whom I've become and have grown into. My boys like that I have taken a step back and don't go bar hopping anymore or date much. They see me go to work and just concentrate on my writing or some new class that I want to get involved with. 

I call this stage of my life, the enlightenment. There's soo much I want to do and discover. I don't want to be at home watching TV !!! 

I'm middle aged now and feel like half my life is over. My epiphany is to spend the second half of my life in a state of peace and tranquility.

Going skiing in Vermont, walking along a trail in Hyde Park, hanging out in a little country salon on Martha's Vineyard. Look at these people, look how simple life is for them, but happy. No drama, no chaos, no fighting,no stress. I so want to be them. 

All I want anymore is to pick a little corner in the world make it mine and work on my passions. 

Listen to the signals the Universe is throwing  you. Pay attention to your purpose your calling you have here. We all get one. If its being the best stay at home mom, a great wife as your husband runs a company, be the best salon manager, stylist, receptionist, assistant. We all have a calling. Figure out what your is and run with it. 

My life isn't over I still aspire to accomplish many things. I still have a lot of dreams. 

Listen carefully in fulfilling your highest self. Pay attention to your degree of readiness. 

Something was setting up your life details. So you can fulfill your purpose here. A purpose I know I have signed up for. Take that leap from spirit to form, from nowhere to here. 

Pay attention to your calling. Act on what your intuitive self tells you. Sharpen your insights and be willing to trust your insights and trust what your feeling inside
Because that's what your to be doing. 
Regardless of what everyone else or the Debbie downers say. 

That day on that bus ride home out of New York City when my boyfriend at the time looked at me and said, "I could never live here and if you do this I'm breaking up with you." I was soo love blind my instincts weren't in tune. 

He was definitely living up to his expectations. He couldn't posses the ability to objectively view a great life path I was trying to create. He wasn't open to being educated in a new lifestyle that I felt I had always been predestined to live. So rather than being supportive he would resist and would rather lose me and venture of to a less than lifestyle anyone would want to be a part of or entertain. 
But he is a narcissist and it was all about him, he wasn't playing. And I wasn't his mother. He was looking for that women to mother him, stroke his ego, comfort his low self esteem. 

I can see clearly now and if I would have been dating someone healthy no matter what I wanted to accomplish would have been met with support, love and respect. 

It's been a huge standout. I've been honest, expressive and told this story from the heart. 

Was all this predestined? To bring me to this one point. I now see my calling and I'm running with this. I get what I'm being educated on by this unknown force. 

This is the advantage of me adopting to a new way of thinking and a new life. 

Yes, my divorce years are filled with much heartache and stress. But if I would have never been empowered or pushed off the cliff and land free fall in New York Cities lap who knows how much more my wicked demise would had entailed. 

I can see clearly now yes the rain is starting to go away. 

I can see clearly now all your horrible mentalities. 

I have a great journey and a purpose and each step of my journey had something to teach me.

Now from where I stand over looking the Hudson River the tears come less, from this position I now stand I'm able to see more clearly how every single  encounter, every challenge, and every situation, are all threads that are the tapestry that represents and now defines my new life. 
Am I greatful for all if it?? No, I just didn't deserve that rebound relationship to take me out of the game. I deserved sooo much better. Coming out of a bad marriage I deserved to had found respect, loyalty, empathy, compassion, intelligence, maturity, protection, love. 

But this was a fork in the road I so didn't deserve or want. I've been told there are no accidents and this horrible relationship was thrown  at me for a reason. I think next time I move my checker in love it won't be towards the wrong black heart. 

My bad, I had to get involved with a narcissist and think real-life romance was like the movies. 

I've given up on love because of this experience. I'm just terrified. I just don't think it's worth it to ever give myself so deeply to anyone else. 

But maybe just maybe if the right guy comes along maybe I'll be lucky and prepared to have my heart stolen away again. The sad thing is, I don't fall in love easily and this experience has really turned my heart polar cold. Now every man that try's with me I'm suspicious of. 
I just don't trust anyone. 

Sometimes it's just good to sit in silence and dream about my rebirth into romance. World Trade One calls out to me, " come on Trace, if I'm standing here after all this horribleness you can too" 

Maybe we can give this one more try. 

No comments:

Post a Comment